Colonel Ray Springfield, a friend and golfing buddy, told me a personal tale. He and his Wife had their fourth child. She said “enough”. Ray agreed to a vasectomy. A career Marine, he not only knew where this surgery was done, but played golf with one of the surgeons. The day was rainy and Ray was about the eighth potential patient to sit down in the waiting room. About three or four more joined the “first come, first served” (no pun intended) before the nurse appeared at the operation room door and asked “…Okay, who’s first”? Stone silence. No one moved. Ray volunteered.
Upon entry Ray saw his friend was the surgeon on call. Ray said there were a lot of scared faces out in the waiting room. Couldn’t resist! And his Doctor friend was eager to go along. Ray gave it a minute, then screamed at the top of his lungs. Then he cried, begged “STOP, STOP, STOP!!!” Then THUD! Like someone hitting the floor.
He and the Doctor friend sneaked a peek into waiting room.
Ray said two things were obvious: “…first, the rain had stopped and sun shone through the windows, and there wasn’t anyone in the waiting room.”
The Doctor concluded, “…what the hell, Ray, we can go play golf!”
Author: ethomasparham
J. MISS MISUNDERSTANDING
HEARING AIDS
May 9, 2015
One of the local foursome tennis regulars couldn’t make it. A non- member filled in. My buddies, Larry Watson and Randy Campbell teamed together against the newcomer and partner. Larry is the poster child for
knee replacement. And both done at the same time. Now he can run, but at the time of the match above, it was really sad. Anyway, at the conclusion of the match the newcomer shook hands with Randy and said “…nice match, Hugo.” Out of earshot, a puzzled Larry asked Randy, “…why did that guy call you HUGO?” Randy: “Every single lob over our heads you shout ‘YOU GO’. Figure it out!” On the first day of our tennis camp, at 7am breakfeast, I asked a disheveled 10 year old his name? HUH, he said. Again, “What is your name”? Again…huh? Coach: Son, WHAT IS YOUR NAME? More clearly this time: My name is Hunt. How many times do I have to tell you! My friend, “Country” Boykin recently took his new hearing aid out and put it in the golf cart. It bounced out and we ran over it. At a restaurant a month later I noticed him wearing it again. “Did you get a new hearing aid, or get that one fixed?” He said it was the same one. “I’m just wearing it for looks!”
CON GAMES
I’m losing too many friends. Gerald “Scope” Wallace could be a handful. Most of my other friends were afraid of Scope. But the funny ones catch me, regardless. His specialty was wise-ass. The first time we met he convinced my Wife and I to go to Raleigh on New Years Eve, 1972. Going there he swerved quickly off the road to a shack with the neon sign, BEER. Got to get a couple, he said. The place was awful and the cashier was overly rude. Perfect for Gerald. After several attempts to be nice and getting nowhere Gerald took the bag of beer, turned and on the way concluded with “…you certainly do have a nice place here!” A few hours later he got us all kicked out of the FROG AND NIGHTGOWN (Scope liked jazz. And wine.) “… the grapes got me again”.
My last haircut reminded me of Gerald. With little hair left, I go Great Clips for the minimum. And, I have learned how to register “on line”. Twenty minutes wait, maximum. The trouble was a storm caused school to be cancelled and the shop overflowed with “walk-ins”. And the staff had not booked enough tattooed, pink haired clipper wielders.
Much like the express line in the grocery store when everyone has 50 express line items and a pocketbook full of coupons, and the cashier runs out of register tape—Oh Mother, things ain’t going well.
I am winning the patience game. Kids groaning, adults shouting at the barbers, people leaving. My 20 minutes is already 30.
And, another cycle has rotated without me. Hmmm—trying to get the kids out ain’t working! They all have full heads of hair to be cut with monograms in their hair and color variations I knew not of.
Many of the grumbling had to stand. I read another hairstyling magazine and the seat next to me was vacated by a mad veteran left the shoppe.
All of a sudden there she was. Everyone knew her. My guess is nearly every small town has one.
She works in the local hardware. Knows where every nut and bolt in the store is, but has never found tact, kindness, or patience. And here she sits by me in midst of the angry. I thought of Gerald.
After a long silence I began the one sided conversation:
Me–you a local person?
Old salt–Swansboro. (silence)
Where did you go to high school?
Salty—Swansboro.
Where were you born?
Swansboro.
Do you work around here?
Swansboro. silence. end of round one.
No sound but angry grumbles. Riot coming?
I said nothing.
And then the break.
She ASKED ME—how long you been waiting?
Forty minutes late.
You register on line?
yep. silence. round two.
Then, me first. “and you know its like cooking. You work all day on the meal and everyone eats in five minutes.”
Salty with first crack of agreement–grunts.
Me: Not only that, everyone ahead of me has some special request. They could cut my bald head in 5 minutes. (the hook and she takes it)
THEY CAN’T CUT YOUR HAIR IN FIVE MINUTES!
ME WITH THE BAIT–“Want to bet””
Loudly now, “You are damn right I’ll bet you!”
(The crowd shifts from anger to silence upon witnessing the developing scene.)
HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BET?
SHE–I’LL BET YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT!
100$ I SUGGESTED. (the crowd hushed moan).
Well, no.
Me-how bout a dollar? DEAL! The crowd erupts with applause.
“TOM” is called. I’m up, bet is on.
I show the old salt time on my six dollar watch. She nods ok.
I am in the first chair so my talent is tested. First a whisper to my girl who has heard what is going on: “Don’t talk. Cut it as quick as you can. Big tip”
Next hide the watch under the apron, but where I can watch the time. The crowd now watches gleefully. Some make side bets. The watch is at four minutes and ticking. Patches of white hair flurries abound. Barber is doing her part.
Salty’s first mistake. She didn’t make note of the starting time. Beneath the cloth apron I deftly reset the watch giving me added one plus needed minute needed to beat the deadline. I kissed my cutter and showed Salty the altered watch. YOU OWE ME A DOLLAR! THE CROWD ROARED.
She smiled and handed me the buck. I started to put it in my pocket, but then goaded her. Boy –I got you. You didn’t check the real time. The trim took more than six minutes! She giggled, probably her first. I gave her her bill back. The crowd, waiters and those inside have completely changed moods. I turned to leave and waved at the victim, then the crowd, Halfway through the door I turned around and said “got you again.” That dollar is yours and you won a dollar on the bet. It dawned on all as I looked into my wallet. I showed her nothing but large bills. Now stunned I took the bill back. Can I pay you with this? Gerald smiled down, or up. I had them all scratching their heads.
I reached in my pocket and took out four quarters and paid my debt.
SEQUESTER
Sequester
sequestering
sequestered
sequestre
M. POSITIVE IDENTIFICATION (155)
Golfing buddy, Cleve Folger, started his story by saying, “…I went to Elon College for a year.” Oh yeah, I replied, did you like it?
Cleve: Yes, I really did!
Me: Why did you leave?
Cleve: My Uncle was an actuary. He wanted me to get that degree and join him. It was a good opportunity.
Me: Where did you transfer to?
Cleve: Atlanta State (GA.). They has a good program there and I could afford it.
Me: Did you like Atlanta?
Cleve: Yeah, until I got kidnapped.
Me: What?
Cleve: I was in a tough part of Atlanta at night. Two guys took my car, money, and clothes. At gunpoint. Naked and stunned I was turned away by residences by equally stunned locals.
Finally a kind family took me inside their home. They reported details to the police and gave me some clothes to wear.
Me: Did they ever catch them?
Cleve: The police called back. They picked up one of the two quickly. They had another suspect who denied involvement. I was asked to view a lineup to see if this was the second guy.
When they showed the lineup I immediately confirmed the second thief. Interestingly, when I exited the lineup a lawyer representing the identified man, asked me skeptically if I WAS SURE his client was the one?
I told him it was easy once I saw he had my clothes on.
long range planning
I noticed Sam Erwin IV got elected recently. That reminded me of Watergate Sam, and specifically his comment when the North Carolina legislature banned the teaching of evolution in the state’s public schools. Sam concluded that the one good thing about that law was that “…it absolves the monkeys of the jungle of any responsibility for the human race in general, and the North Carolina legislature in particular.”
Given the extreme political intransigency in this century one can only hope. I did notice Michelle Bachmann just recently has changed positions on “gay marriage”: “…boring! Plus homosexuality is hard wired, naturally.” That is evolution! And at a quicker rate than usual.
Author Bill Bryson put evolution in perspective in his A SHORT HISTORY OF NEARLY EVERYTHING. Comparing the earth’s total age to one’s human wingspan, Bryson notes from the tip of one’s middle finger to the opposite wrist represents the time from the earth’s beginning (approximately 14 BILLION years ago) until the very first sign of life showed up. One nail file off the opposite middle finger? “The length of time mankind as we know it has existed on this earth.”
Maybe the gay issue isn’t such a big deal. Or prayer in school. Who gets to gun tote and where, the price of gas or the stock market.
Jared Diamond spoke at Elon University about the last two hundred years. One question from the audience was what about the next 100 years. “If we aren’t better stewards of the earth there may not be another hundred!”
As my friend, Jim Toney–retired Economics professor, often demanded,”,,,we need a PLAN!”
Where to start?
Try this: Google “unusual religions”. I wonder how many innocents have died by “…killing in the name of the lord”? But the bible says “…there will always be wars and rumors of war”. Really? No changing things? Hellfire—we used to be cannibals. And not that long ago.
How about greed. How is that working out in America? Corruption in 2000? Carolina basketball your big worry? How about hunger? ISIS AND GAS PRICES? Too close to talk about?
Do we really want to dis climate change? Green and clean energy a non-issue?
The dog has caught the bus. We don’t need any more gridlock. We need a plan. A GOOD LONG RANGE PLAN.
“…so let us not talk falsely, the hour is getting late.”
ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER–b.dylan
CHATEAU LOW RENT
I wasn’t a good drinker. Not that I didn’t drink a lot, I just didn’t handle it well. Some do, some don’t.
So I quit years ago.
As a non-drinker you have some advantages, some disadvantages. One of the things I’ve observed is a shift in the beverages consumed. And the consumers.
When I left the “participant” category, hard booze and cocktails were in large part consumed by males. Boone’s Farm and Lake Country Red were about all I knew about wine.
Maybe Allison Krauss was right: “… you’re drinking whiskey when it should be wine.’
This seems to have happened. And probably for the greater good. More men drink wine today
Are more women drinking too much now? “After the third glass the wine drinks man (woman too?).”
Maybe its because I’m some what of a tightwad, but it bugs me to split a restaurant bill with three 60$ bottles of wine on the tab. Once, after the main meal, I ordered four different desserts. “Trying to even things up”, I threatened. Vetoed again by my Bride.
Many say legalizing pot would be a bad decision : A” gateway” drug that would lead to bigger problems? Have you seen the movie HOW TO MAKE MONEY SELLING DRUGS? No one seems to be getting anywhere toward solving the number of young people jailed on pot charges. Would legal pot take the money out of the criminals hands? Maybe save some salvageable young people. Isn’t it worth a try given current failures? Bet our North Carolina farmers would love it. Plus “sin tax” revenue.
Some of us have trouble with “moderation”, I’m still fighting ice dream and BBQ. Is that a “word to the wise”, Moderation?
Allison again: “He put the bottle to his head and pulled the trigger” (WHISKEY LULLABY).
SHOULD I RETIRE?
On retirement:
Don’t say you are retired, say you’re unemployed. The volunteer
chasers won’t bother you.
“Everynight is Saturday night,and Saturday night is NewYear’s Eve.”
The “Big” paper comes on Sunday.
I’m down to two keys – Home, Car.
“I don’t do nothing and I don’t start ‘til noon.” Bum Phillips
When people ask you about retirement wanting to know (1) what do you do with your time? And (2) do you have enough money? They are really wondering about themselves.
Read DIE BROKE.
CHOOSING SIDES?
I know the North Carolina people and politicians I was proud of were considered either liberal or Progressive (Bill Friday, Terry Sanford, Jim Hunt, and then like). But I also revered Sam Ervin. Jesse Helms was one I felt represented the mean-spirited segment of our state’s people who were frightening and all too real. And often race was the issue.
I know that the” other side” feels just as strongly that I am wrong. Perhaps only the Civil War represented a more divisive time in America.
It appears that the 2000–2008 (Bush 2 administrative years) caused us to “choose sides”. And it seems that feelings were so deep that once committed to their view, very few were willing to listen, much less alter their stance. Winning the argument seems more important than learning the truth of the matter.
•“…you are right from your side and I’m right from mine”. ONE TOO MANY MORNINGS — Dylan.
Where do your strong beliefs come from? Nature or nurture? Choice or chance? Having grown up as the son of a Southern Baptist minister much of my early influences came from my parents and the church and it’s Community. I was in the church for various sermons and programs three or four days a week. For a youngster there were some pretty heavy questions. Heaven and hell? Right and wrong? Bible verses, teachers, religion from all angles.
The Little Green Book of Tennis 