Now I have to worry about what both Beth Dutton AND George Jones are going to do!

“…its not dark yet, but its getting there.” Bob Dylan.

DARK HUMOR (edited 2022)

Like a lot of people my age I read obituaries more often.  Some are humorous.  Here are some examples of gallows humor.

• A man named Tom Traylor had paid in advance to be cremated . A cancer patient, Tom wanted to renegotiate the price. When he signed the original contract Tom said that he had weighed about 180 lbs. Cancer treatment had affected his weight downward to about 140pounds. Tom reasoned he’d lost easily about 30% of himself. Shouldn’t he get a discount?

• Another interesting observation about obituaries came from a Professor Clotfelter of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Professor. Here are two the professor cited for support:

• When this North Carolina State gridiron faithful could no longer attend games in person he was despondent. He really missed the live action. Still it was reported that he never missed an Wolfpack game on television. He watched every game in front of his home TV. Frequently in a three point stance.

• Clotfelter did admit fanaticism was not limited to North Carolina. He cited a man from Wisconsin who stated in his obituary:” I love the Badgers, the Green Bay Packers, and most of my grandchildren.”

And then the man from Ohio, who requested that his six pallbearers be members of the Cleveland Brown’s football team. Asked why? he reasoned “…I want to be LET DOWN one last time by the Browns.”

•One person concluded: “Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they would tell you how the person died.”  (“Passed”—-in the South?  See Jeanne Robertson’s demonstration ).

Garrison Keillor tells of a dying friend’s prohibition of the terms “she passed”, or “celebration of life”.

Jeanne Robertson said when a Southerner used “passed” or “passing “, they always lowered and tilted their head to the side.

Covid shares reasons for the delayed “celebrations” uptick. Before the pandemic most funerals were plain vanilla (Psalms 23, Amazing Grace, How Great Thou Art, The Lord’s Prayer. —-0utta here! ) Delays caused by Covid have spawned more creativity. Cremation too! (up 50%).

Willie P. Richardson wondered if the perquisite BBQ grill a funeral offered , would be hot enough to just go ahead and cremate his uncle? After the que.

B&S : I am “burn and scatter”. Atlantic ocean is one mile west. Economical at worst.

ECONOMICS: 5OK annually, or more, for something you don’t want? (Nursing homes). All us old folks say no to drooling in a wheel chair. BUT–“There are no atheists in foxholes”! Like cremation, euthanasia is an Old Fart’s” interest area. Some suggest some form of a “do it yourself “project. Listing options, asphysxiation (car, hose, garage, carbon dioxide route ) was mentioned to my friend. He replied, “…yeah but you could wind up like ( a relative I didn’t know).”

I asked what happened to that guy”?

“The dumb son of a bitch ran out of gas”!

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SERIOUS NOTE ON EUTHANASIA (from author Cederquist ):

Everywhere and always, civilization depends on the drawing of intelligent distinctions.

Jennifer Glass, a Californian who died August 11, drew one. She said to her state legislators, “I’m doing everything I can to extend my life. No one should have the right to prolong my death”.

The Economist reports that in the seventeen years under Oregon’s pioneering 1997 law, just 1,327 people have received prescriptions for lethal medications—about seventy-four a year—and one third of those did not use them. Possessing the option was sufficient reassurance.

There is nobility is suffering bravely borne, but also in affirming at the end the distinctive human dignity of autonomous choice. Brittany Maynard, who chose to be with loved ones when she self-administered her lethal medications was asleep in five minutes and soon dead.

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Okay–so not all are “celebrations of life.”

One minister, who didn’t know the deceased, asked the congregation for comments about him? No response. Finally a man raised his hand and the concluded, “…his brother was worse!”

EVENING SHADE featured the father in law (Hal Holbrook) telling coach son in law (Burt Reynolds), in almost every episode, “…yeah, but that was before you married my daughter and ruined my life!” Rreading obits in hard times : “…hmm. there’s another job opening!”

ON ATTRITION : CLYDE PASSED –tilt your head!

(see letter)

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Another obit question–should all who marry wear white? “love of their life”? Or FOR ALL THE GIRLS (BOYS) I’VE LOVED BEFORE”? List “loves of their lives”? No, no.

Our Governer’s wife just flipped off a group of Trumpers. Does a funeral not give the “others” the last word?

OFF OR ON? IS IT NOT BETTER TO BE “PISSED” THAN “PASSED”?

Why not write your own obit? I have heard that some are making their own funeral videos!

FUND RAISERS? My wife worked with Hospice. Never was I surpised that memorial gifts were directed to Hospice. But, “c’mon man”–send $ for their cat? That begs the question of a “fake”. Even before one “passes” (head turn)… a gofund for Tommy?

My minister Father satd his idea of heaven would include “…being able to eat all you want and not get fat.”

I read THIS IS ASSISTED DYING by Stefanie Green. At the end of the book she listed things people said in their last moments. Often one requested music, Often specific songs. One man pretty much knew St. Peter’s answer. They played AC/DC’s HIGHWAY TO HELL for him.

A lot of people think one will be able to “see back” from the other side. I wonder about all that. I would like to know for sure about a few line calls, gimme putts, golf balls found in the woods. away referees on block/charge, TDs called back on holding penalties, pass interference.

We are too far away for funerals. I’m gonna send some songs to anyone who asks:

1, HEROES AND FRIENDS by Randy Travis

2. FAMILY RESERVE by Lyle Lovett

3. IN YOUR TIME by BOB SEGER

4. SOFTLY AND TENDERLY by Emmy lou Harris

5. BROKEN HALOS by Chris Stapleton

CLOSING NOTES:

The latest “funny item” on the subject is the Apple movie RAYMOND AND RAY

SERIOUS OBSERVATION FROM MY DOCTOR : YOU, at 82 years. are most apt to die from some form of cancer, or from a stroke, or a heart attack. If it is cancer you will probably be told of it’s severity and your own treatment options and decisions. Bad heart attack—not much time for choices! Strokes are different—if the emergency room people get you, then decision making is no longer the patient’s. Do you want to forego those choices? (Dr. Mike)

I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON. There are lots of legal questions related. A new book, IN CASE YOU GET HIT BY A BUS (Sniederman and Seifer ) does a thorough job for “…when you are not around later”.

“I had my ( crap ) in a pile!” ( Chatty Bird )

BROKEN HALOS

Song by Chris Stapleton

Broken Halos

Seen my share of broken halos

Folded wings that used to fly

They’ve all gone

Wherever they go

Broken halos that used to shine

Angels come down

From the heavens

Just to help us on our way

Come to teach us

Then they leave us

And they find some other soul to save

Seen my share of

Broken halos

Folded wings that used to fly

They’ve all gone

Wherever they go

Broken halos that used to shine

Broken halos that used to shine

Don’t go looking

For the reasons

Don’t go asking

Jesus why?

We’re not meant to know the answers

They belong to the by and by

They belong to the by and by

Seen my share of

Broken halos

Folded wings that used to fly

They’ve all gone

Wherever they go

Broken halos that used to shine

TWO PASS FOR TWO (OR MORE)

Not enough for a poker game?  Many gamblers fill that time with some version of gin rummy.

Here is a home made poker game for when small numbers have “the itch”.

The game for two: 

PROCESS AND RULES

*Determine the dealer. Dealer alternates  round to round.

• Dealer deals four cards in a row face down to his opponent,  then four similarly to him/her self.  These stay in order dealt, face down.
• Dealer offers  one face up card.  The opponent can leave the card on stack, or card  one,  or pass it once to card two, or twice to card three.  Two passes and it is stuck there.   When that card is placed the next is offered to the next eligible card, whether opponent or dealer.  The cards are then offered to the required open card in clockwise fashion. 
• NOTE—IF THE UP CARDS IN EACH STACK,  OR 
• ‘HAND”,  MATCH THE DOWN CARD THEN ALL MATCHING CARDS IN THAT HAND ARE “WILD”.
• The dealer offers each card in order until both players have four full stacks or  FIVE CARD HANDS;  the first card still down, the other four up. 

SCORING 

*This is a high – low game.  One point for best poker hand (high) and one point the worst (low).  Low is the “wheel “ or ace, 2-3-4-5.  The wheel can low or high or both.  All other straights are high only.

• There are two points per round.  To win both points you must win high and low from  your four hands.  One point goes to the high winner, one for low.  Ties high or low yield 1/2 point.

• Scores are added round to round.  Players pre-determine winning total  (example 10 points is winner and can win with 1/2 point margin, or 10 to 9 and 1/2.)

* Pot per game is preset.  Winner takes all.

It is probably lucky public school teachers didn’t have guns in the 1950’s. They would have shot some of us.

*My “prayer list” is getting too long.

• Marty Baker told me the lord giveth. For a while. Then he starts taking away.

• I can’t decide whether to sue my shrinking ass for not doing it’s job, or to buy some suspenders.

Some new poker friends chastied Dennis for continued smoking. Finally he explained “…at least on three occasions smoking has kept me from going to prision for life.

Those times I was about to shoot my wife I found out I could go out to the back yard and smoke about 3 or 4 cigarrettes . Calmed me right down!”

Is this not an urgent moment in the history of relationships?

Should there not be the possibily of a legal “covid divorce” or “pandemic

separation” during this severe confinment period. Some form of

no-guilt, no-penalty flight possibility, allowable during this moment that threatens

marriage, co-habitation, motherhood, etc.?

Larry McMurtry on  North Carolina’s Triangle ( Rraleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill ) area :  “ This prosperous area is the homeland of the yuppie redneck, a Southerner with working class prejudices  and upper-middle- class money.