Category: F. MADISON

RECYCLE

On By ethomasparhamIn F. MADISON, HUMOR/ ODDS AND ENDSLeave a comment

“IF YOU GO OUT IN THE WOODS TODAY—”

My wife and I just returned from a trip to my childhood hometown. A friend had recommended a bed-and-breakfast in the neighborhood where I grew up.

There were six guests at breakfast. From a conversation the night before, I knew that one of the men we had met was a Ph.D. in herpetology—the study of reptiles. We did not know the other couple.

Five of us were carrying on a breakfast conversation when I finally asked the quiet gentleman about his profession. When he explained that he had an impressive background in entomology—the study of insects—I introduced Dr. Snakes to Dr. Bugs.

Those two guys knew a lot about critters and creepers.

The late Jeanne Robertson often advised asking someone with an unusual profession, “What is the funniest thing that ever happened to you?”

So Dr. Snakes told us about a scheduled dissection of an alligator.

The professor decided to open the gator before the students arrived. As he examined the contents of the alligator’s stomach, he discovered a grotesque mass that appeared to be a human hand and arm.

Further examination revealed that the appendage actually belonged to a bear.

The professor could not resist.

He took off his wristwatch and attached it to the bear’s wrist. Then he sewed “Bruno” back up and waited for his students.

I suspect those students never forgot that lesson in herpetology.

***************

This is a previous blog edited by AI. The Madison NC town clock below is still there. Our group of preteens could climb to the top. Those with smaller arms could alter the hands of the clock. Madison Mayhem (1950)

“IF YOU GO OUT IN THE WOODS TODAY—

On By ethomasparhamIn F. MADISON, HUMOR/ ODDS AND ENDSLeave a comment

My Wife and I just returned from a trip to my childhood hometown. A friend recommended a Bed and Breakfeast

in the neighborhood where I grew up . There were six guests for breakfeast. I knew from a conversation the night

before that the one man we had met was a PhD in Herpetology ( Reptiles )… We did not know the other couple.

Five of us shared the conversation. Finally I asked the profession of the quiet gentleman . When he explained

an impressive history in Entomology ( Insects ) I introduced DR. Snakes to Dr. Bugs. Those guys knew a lot about

critters and creepers.

The late Jeanne Robertson advised to ask anyone with an unusual profession “What is the funniest thing that

happened ?” Dr. Snakes then told of a scheduled disection of an alligator. The Professor decided to open the Gator

before the students arrival. Gator gut revealed a grotesque mass he thought was a human hand and arm. Further

study revealed the appendage was that of a bear.

He could not resist. He took off his wrist watch and attached it to the bear’s wrist. Sewed “Bruno” back up and waited

for his students.

DEEMS

On By ethomasparhamIn F. MADISONLeave a comment

My list is getting short. Retired at the coast, calling and receiving calls from friends is a boon. Some, sadly , left early. Recently –the oldies. “Dr. Know” John Eatman, Dr. Willis Williams , Joe , “Country”, “Bonehead” Dennis, Sweet Lou Harper, Alton, and today Deems.

I can’t claim him as a brother, but a lifetime close friend is a minimum.

The several places I have lived all were nice places. And maybe childhood anywhere is indelible—and Madison N.C. was it for me. And my buddies, Tuddy *Sterling” Webster. Billy Fulton. and Deems (Tuddy’s little brother.)

Close neighbors, we found the tree house, Highway 220, McFalls Drug Store, The Patovi Theater (9 cent tickets) and the Mighty Dan River, the dirthole, and a rope to swing over the big ditch. The town clock could be altered!

Deems was my first “player “. I taught him a batter’s stance and how to swing the orange bat, with a nail and scotch tape hopefully mending the broken handle.

The Websters didn’t seem to mind, so I took him, from diapers to his injured knee,back from Vietnam, to Key West. Got some great help from Liz Lear. And always Madison.

ADDENDUMS : FROM PLAY IS WHERE LIFE IS
(MADISON CHAPTER)

CHILD PSYCHOLOGY
CUZZINS

Tuddy

MACK PETE

Gone since 1952, I guess some think me overly nostalgic. What I think is I had a happy childhood. Friends, adventure, sports, aticipation, characters, my first Team.

There were injuries, fights , freedoms that don’t exist for today’s youngsters. Bumps make boys.

********

“If you are ever up a tree just call on me, Rodger Dodger !”

********

” I love you now and evershall.

But there’s no one left to tell.

The world has gone dark

before my eyes ” ( Bob Dylan )

FOXHOLES

On By ethomasparhamIn F. MADISON, HUMOR/ ODDS AND ENDS, N. RELIGION, WARLeave a comment

“There are no Atheists in foxholes.”

(From Jack Webster, Grand Poobah of Madison, NC Mafia )

A professed Atheist found himself in fierce combat during the Korean war.

As the Priest walked near him while holding his Crucifex prominently in front,

the “atheist” meekly inquired : Now how does that thing work?

**************

W.C. Fields when asked why he was reading the Bible on his deathbed:

“I’m looking for loopholes”

MEL STEELE

On By ethomasparhamIn F. MADISON, G. ROBBINS, K. PHILOSOPHYLeave a comment

The first “small town” I lived in was Madison , NC ( Age 3 to 12 , 1943-1952 ). Mel’s Dad , Mutt–Mother, Polly–and sister, Carol went to my minister Father’s First Baptist church. While they were at our place on Sunday’s, our gang of boys gathered most days at the Steeles. Two main reasons were their family and their location near the banks of the Dan river.

I just read two biographies. One on Tom Brokow, the other on Al Pacino: What impressed me about Brokow’s was where he wound up , having a Father who quit school after the second grade. Pacino seemed to dwell on his childhood days , even in view of his fascinating acting career. I soon realized I do the same childhood “reflecting “. So when I read the article below ( see link
https://richardnilsen.com/tag/mel-steele/ ). And looked at Mel’s work I remember those days fondly. Mutt was a “man’s man”. First –he was a tough boxer! As we got older we appreciated that he was an accomplished tradesman, and teaching all kinds of skills to his talented Son.

Our move to another small NC village (Robbins, NC ) introduced me to Willis Williams. The late Dr. Williams , a classmate, was a world class surgeon, saving countless children with heart problems.

Dr. Willis H. Williams was a classmate of mine and a friend for over seventy years.   His entire life through high school was lived in Robbins , NC.  

He was eulogized by Dr; Robert Guyton.  

I have enclosed a video of Dr. Williams funeral.   Dr. Guyton’s talk appears at minutes 25  through 38.  

There was also an Astronaut from that Moore County mill town.

My guess is small towns all over provide many opportunities .

I asked my friend Earl Boykin who the famous people from his home town of Rock Ridge, N.C. were?

” I guess me and Ava Gardner and Gov. Hunt were the pick of the litter.”

CHILD PSYCHOLOGY

On By ethomasparhamIn F. MADISONLeave a comment

Billy’s lying was just accepted by us. He was always making things up. He listened to the radio and all the “green hornet” adventure programs of that day were great for his imagination. He introduced us to Jonathan Winters, the 9 cent movies at the Patovi Theatre, dirty jokes, but most of all to Uncle Louie. More in a moment.

Once Opal wouldn’t let him out of the house, saying he was grounded for ly- ing. Perhaps this was my first knowledge of a “child psychologist”, as we were told he was being counseled for lying.

Years later Billy admitted how this all unfolded, and this account was later told at his funeral, attended by his mom.

In those days there were “carnivals” and just the sort of thing Billy craved. He convinced his mom that if she’d let him attend he’d never lie again. Cautiously Opal gave him 25 cents. Fifteen cents got him in the gate. A peanut stand at the entrance got the dime. Today it would not be allowed but in 1948 a “monkey” (really a 70 pound baboon) was chained to an iron stake, right next to the peanuts. The baboon held out his hand. Billy gave him a peanut. One for Billy, one for the monkey. What fun! The problem arose at the bottom of the bag, when it was empty. Billy held out his hands to show the baboon it was empty. At that point Billy swears the baboon grabbed his hands and beat the living hell out of him. All of a sudden the carnival manager runs up to him and kicks him out for “disturbing his baboon”. The next scene has Billy only 20 minutes out of “time out” standing on his porch, bleeding, crying, dirty, and clothes ruined. Opal, hearing him, runs to the door: “Billy, what in the world happened to you?”. Momma, a monkey beat me up”. Opal: “You’re lying and get back in your room.”

Opal Fulton, my mom and Irene. Opal endeared herself to me when she shot- gunned Billy’s bicycle punctured inner tube, thinking it was a black snake.

CUZZINS

On By ethomasparhamIn F. MADISON2 Comments

We moved to Madison, NC when I was four. In two weeks the late Billy Fulton and similarly late, Sterling (Tuddy)Webster, were sidekicks for life. The Websters were next door and my first stop to collect them for the day. So as I crawled through the secret tunnel we’d made I noticed their neighbor’s garage was burned to the ground.”What happened to Miss Carrie’s garage?” I asked the whole stunned family as they watch smoldering smoke circle upwards from the ashes.
I grabbed Tuddy aside. ???? “Craig did it. He was hiding in her garage, smoking.”
Relieved it wasn’t Tuddy or Billy, I wondered about Craig. I knew there was a family with Craig (14?) and O’neil (18), who I’d heard “… that older one is a good guy, but watch out for Craig, he’s nuts.”
“Who is Craig, anyway?” I asked Tuddy.”He’s my first cuzzin.” Age 7, I wasn’t sure about genealogy.
When I got home My mom asked what all the excitement about? “Craig burned down Miss Carrie’s garage.”
What? Repeat. Report. Then I asked my also stunned Mother,”… Momma, what is a cuzzin? Do I have a cuzzin? Does it have to be a boy? Staccato to still reeling Geneva Phillps Parham.
Mom : Yes, you have several cousins.
Me: Who?
Mom: well, Aunt Mary’s Son, Ed, is one.
Me: Is he the first cousin?
Mom: Well, actually he is!
Me. Is he going to burn our garage down?
Mom: (laughs)
Me: What’s so funny? Do I have a second cuzzin? A third? Who are they? Are they dangerous as the Websters.
The total explanation took a while, but Mom did a pretty good job sorting it all out.
So the “Norfolk Phillips” are all first cuzzins–Jack, Henry, Eileen, and Mary Anita? We didn’t travel the then prohibitive journey to Tidewater often. But they travelled well as a group and always made better efforts than the rest of us. So fortunately I knew them enough to be proud they were my cuzzins, as I liked all four and they belonged to Uncle Lindsey. Uncle Lindsey was the youngest sibling of my Mom and her several sisters. Being last and male, Lindsey was messed up. From a bunch of Primitive Baptists, Lindsey escaped with a sense of humor and a taste for the kind of attitude that tickled me. And his siblings, Geneva, Aunt Olive, and Aunt Mary. We all looked to Lindsey for laughs and crafts (He could build anything, including home made toys for the kids. Cuzzins included.)
I’m losing too many. Jack just died after fighting the dreaded one, Alzheimer’s disease. He was the closest age wise to me and I liked talking to Jack. I am sad for Jack, but proud of my first cousins, who lovingly did all they could.

‘

TURNED TABLE

On By ethomasparhamIn F. MADISON1 Comment

About this time we’d found Melvin Steele down near the Dan River. They lived in the bottoms, and Mel’s dad, Mutt, was a plumber. Not only that he was an amateur boxer and taught Mel how to fight. This aided our arsenal.

Fighting was part of the deal and I’d done my share. Being the preacher’s kid my dad got every report. He’d “strap” me for fighting, I’d whip Tuddy or somebody else the next day.

One day E.T. called me into his “study”, a room upstairs in the parsonage where he’d prepare sermons. This memory is very vivid. The study was blue, an- other Sunday school classroom was pink, one was yellow.

My dad sat with his back to me facing out the window, toward the garden.

The conversation went like this, “Son, you continue to get into fights. I’ve strapped you, grounded you, lectured you, and done everything I know. Today we change course.”

Whereupon he removed his big leather belt and took off his shirt.

He turned and told me, “Now you hit me until I tell you to stop.” I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t hit my dad. He demanded, I cried. He demanded. I hit him.

UNCLE LOUIE

On By ethomasparhamIn F. MADISONLeave a comment

“Seventy may be the new sixty, but 80 is still 80!”  (Gary McMahan).

I did it again.  Used some bad language at the wrong time.   My Dad was a minister and I only heard him use smut once.  We were washing the parsonage windows, he was outside, I was inside.  I had somewhere to be fairly soon that I alone deemed more important than the Baptist windows.  The third time I barked “what time is it?”  came the stunning answer:  “Half passed the crack of my ass, fifteen minutes till farting time!”

At age 14 I already added profanity as a second language, but this coming from E.T. Parham shocks me in my 80th year.

My mentor in dirty language and impure thoughts began early.  Billy Fulton.   I think his source was Uncle Louie.  My lately arrived at theory that an offshoot of WW11 was that dirty jokes, limericks, poems, etc. got spread at an exponential  rate.  I wrote this about Uncle Louie . (from PLAY IS WHERE LIFE IS):

“Billy had moved in with Opal and Woody into a nicer home, albeit further away. He also got us closer to “Uncle Louie”. Uncle Louie was a World War II Vet. It seemed like he was always under the hood of his car. Later in life I’ve decided World War II was the vehicle that spread various types of humor throughout the country. Uncle Louie was our source. He knew every dirty joke, limerick, ditty, titty, or whatever. (See page 24 Archibald Bearasshole).  And I loved it.

Names of farts: Fiz, Fazz, Fizzle, Fazzle, poot, anti-poot, rip ass, and roar.

Sizes of brassieres: 32A, 34B, Hubba-Hubba, Oh Hot Damn, Here Comes the Showboat, and the F.O.B. Detroit.

“I saw her butt ……she didn’t see me. I saw her ass she crossed the street.”

I was becoming addicted to funny people and they were often “smutty”. Billy was an encyclopedia of vice. He had a “pornographic memory”.