A. RAIN CHECK (94)

Long time golf pro, Grover Bullin of the Wilson ( N.C.) Country Club, had a pat answer when asked about the weather: “If it rains it’ll be a dry rain.”
Part of joining the ever present “old geezers” golf group at any club is listening to tales of geezers past. Or passed. This one comes from STAR HILL down on our coast in North Carolina. It was “…told for the truth.”
Two “super seniors” played almost daily together. They rarely spoke. Both had senior health problems. One had narrowly escaped earlier cardiac failure.
The guys in the pro shop swore they made no comment about the steady rain as they paid up and headed to the tee.
One of the two recounted the scene later. After a few holes the two hit tee shots in opposite directions. As he approached his next shot the witness said he heard a harrowing sound from his playing partner. When turned he saw him clutch his chest and fall to the turf. The stricken player was barely audible, yet trying to speak. Putting his good ear close to victim’s mouth, the survivor swore he heard the final words: “You can have my rain check”.

B. High Handicap Geezer Golf (77)

I’ve “earned my letter.”   And, thankfully I can play golf for fun.   Fun is the operative word.   Golf can be maddening.   Someone said “…golf is not a game, it’s a disease.”   Another suggested we make prisoners play.   I have felt like sitting down on the course and crying.  With the goal of making the game fun for us guys (not you “low to scratch” PLAYERS)  here a a few ideas:

– Upon my arrival home after a golf day, my wife asks “…how did you play”?   My answer is usually something like this: I played ok except for (pick one) a few bad holes, a triple bogey, one damn hole, etc.   My guess is a lot of hackers have admitted the same or similar summations.

– The big problem is MEDAL PLAY.   This requires you count all strokes on all holes.   MATCH PLAY allows you to play hole by hole, thus alleviating that lingering memory of the unwanted “snowman” or 8 on a par 5. I   guess being a tennis coach affects my thinking.    No matter how bad you are playing you still have a chance.   Where would you be without the second serve?

– Borrowing from education, why not “grade on the curve”, or throw out one bad hole (or one per side”).   Count it ( or them of your choice) a par, and move on.   I’m calling this game CULL, or THROWAWAY.   Someone told me there is a variation of this that has been played by others, trying to stroke their crushed egoes…

– Dots is a game for those of us who like bets.
1. Assign a monetary value to each “dot” and dispense dot accordingly:
2. HOLEY:   You, or your team win that particular hole.
3. POLEY:   For a made putt longer than the flag pole.
4. GUACAMOLE:   Make par or better with a hispanic worker in sight
5. NASCAR:   Par after hitting a cart path.
6. BIRDIE
7. SANDIE:   Make a par out of a sand trap
8. GREENIE:   Closest individual to the pin on par 3’s…(option: if no one is ON the green, then GREENIE goes to the closest to the pin)
9. BARKIE:   Par after hitting a tree.
10. FRINGIE:   Make any shot form off the green.
OPTIONS:
11. CARRYOVERS:   Bet (or HOLEY) continues if no one wins the hole…example: No one wins hole 1, hole 2 is worth two dots, etc.
12. EAGLES:   Four dots
13. Holes in one:   Ten dots
14. Doubles eagles:   Fifteen dots

MINUS DOTS:
1. Quitting:   Twenty dots
2. SNAKES:   Three putts or more–2 dots
3. UNFORCED WINDY
4. PECKER SHOT:   Failure to get to women’s tee
5. TRAP TO TRAP
6. GREEN ON WRONG HOLE
7. FLAG STICK:   Carry the flag off the green
8. LEAVE CLUB:   Must be after teeing off on next hole
9. NON EMERGENCY PHONE CALL
10. FORBIDDEN CLICHES:

  • “…Every now and then a blind hog finds an acorn”, or anything close.
  • “I pulled (pushed it)” on a short putt.
  • Wimpy cussin
  • “…Be the right stick”
  • “Blew by you”

11. Being further away on your second putt
12. Back to back shanks
13. Hitting the wrong ball

PLEASE NOTE THERE ARE 13 OF THESE. GOOD LUCK WITH GEEZER GOLF

C. HIGH HANDICAPPER’S GOLF UPDATE (130)

My 2014 New Year’s Eve Resolution  (see #1 below or blog 84) was not easy. I have tried more clubs designed for 2nd shots than the average golfer has putters.
Next I tried an alternate technique that worked in a new way. (see #2 below, or blog 108).
And then I figured a way to improve my scores by 5 shots. ( see #3 below, or blog 118),

(1) And that, “…one man, scorned and covered with scars–still strove with his last ounce of courage to reach ” (my words substituted) MY QUEST OF BEING ABLE TO HIT A DECENT
SECOND SHOT ON THE GOLF COURSE!!!

(2) February 4, 2015 by ethomasparham
THE SECRET TO ENJOYING PLAYING GOLF (108)

Gorgeous early February day at the beach. Decided to dust off the clubs. Star HILL Golf Club lot was full. Usual grim faced old timers in our group. I decided not to worry too much about my quality of play. Between #15 and #16 I an epiphany! I realized it was an unusually beautiful winter day. And, that (1) I was playing OK.
I can’t advise anyone much about golf. At best I’m now hoping to get in a golf quote book. My secret to enjoying playing golf? Quote:
ESTABLISH FIRM AND UNUSUALLY LOW EXPECTATIONS FOR YOUR PERSONAL GAME!

(3) JPD* GOLF TEES (118)

JUST MOVED UP TO OUR CLUB’S GREEN TEES

* JUST PRIOR TO DEATH.

The JPD’S are 400 yards closer. You have to be 80 to JPD at our club. I have arbitrarily equated my golf age as 89. 75 in years plus 14 operations.

IMMEDIATE RESULTS SUMMARY:
1. Nobody cares 2. I don’t have to try to hit 220yd shots, 12 times a round. 3. It is easier. NOT EASY, STILL. 4. I can get on in regulation fairly often 5.It is much more fun.

OBVIOUS RELATED ITEMS:
Golf should feature “Ability Tees”, not age, sex, etc. Play from where your ability allows you to have fun. Some folks are old at 20. Some not so at 70.
Four tees for men, one for women? Sorenstam,etc. from the same tee as a 10 year old girl, or begining woman?

D. NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION–JANUARY 1, 2014 (84)

A friend of Mike Tyson’s  noticed the boxer’s new years eve resolutions listed “to quit smoking”.   “But, Mike,  you don’t smoke” he questioned.   Mike said “… you need some easy ones on your list.”

Today is January 1, 2014.  I have one resolution for this year,  but it is not an easy one.  I have leaned on the song,  MY QUEST for lyrics that describe my concerns:

“an impossible dream”

“an undefeatable foe”

“unbearable sorrow”

“arms too weary”

“no matter how helpless””march into hell”

In hope that one day , “,,,my heart will lie peaceful and calm, when I am laid to rest”

And that, “…one man, scorned and covered with scars–still strove with his last ounce of courage to reach ”  (my words substituted) MY QUEST OF BEING ABLE TO HIT A DECENT SECOND SHOT ON THE GOLF COURSE!!!

P.s.  If “mulligans”  are allowed as a local rule,  that rule should include allowing the player to defer their mulligan to that damned second shot.

E. THE SECRET TO ENJOYING PLAYING GOLF (108)

Gorgeous early February day at the beach. Decided to dust off the clubs. Star HILL Golf Club lot was full. Usual grim faced old timers in our group. I decided not to worry too much about my quality of play. Between #15 and #16 I an epiphany! I realized it was an unusually beautiful winter day. And, that (1) I was playing OK.
I can’t advise anyone much about golf. At best I’m now hoping to get in a golf quote book. My secret to enjoying playing golf? Quote:
ESTABLISH FIRM AND UNUSUALLY LOW EXPECTATIONS FOR YOUR PERSONAL GAME!

F. Trustworthy Tools (49)

NAMING HIGH HANDICAPPER’S GOLF CLUBS:   Many golfers have given pet names to their golf clubs.   Most are people happy with the club.   Here are the names I have chosen for mine:

SCHIZOPHRENIC (the driver),
THE INFIDEL ( 3 wood),
BLUE MOON (5 wood),
AWOL (5 iron),
NEIL YOUNG, whose nickname is “shaky”–6iron,
ONCE (7iron),
CUR (a stray dog) is the 8 iron

I use three clubs as wedges:  The 9 iron, the pitching wedge, and the sand wedge.   Their names in order are HAPLESS, HOPELESS, and HELPLESS.  My putter I call CRENSHAW, in the name of sarcasm. ..There, you traitorous fourteen villians, I feel better.