JUSTIFIED’S Raylan: “It is hard to imagine the wonderful things that might happen if you can plant the seeds of distrust among a garden of assholes.”

Winston Churchill: “When you are going through hell, keep going.”

“The secret to management is to keep the guys who hate you from the undecided.” Casey Stengel.

One golfer said another was even tempered on the golf course: “He was an asshole the whole round.”

•Tom Brokaw concluded: “For parents, bribery is a white collar crime. For grandparents, it’s a business plan.” 

At a recent post-golfing social event, I overheard one wife chastise another. “Alice, you’ve got the wrong name tag on.” Alice: “… I’m much too drunk to wear my own name tag.”

JAMES ALLEN ROSE
•A local high school running back was extremely quick and agile. A zig-zagging touchdown kickoff return brought this comment from an admiring hoi toiler coach: “My lord Son, you run ‘er like a hard crab”.

Unrelated favorites:
1. Women and cats will do as they wish. Men and dogs should get used to this fact.
2. The game film looks suspiciously like the game. Coach Bum Phillips
3. On Coach Landry of the Dallas Cowboys: “Does the coach ever smile? Player (Walt
Garrison) “I don’t know, I’ve only been here three years”.

t know, I’ve only been here three years”.
4. “…if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?”
Response: “Living—-you think I am stupid?” From Jim Hightower.
5. Eulogy at “Curly’s funeral. “God, we give you Curly. Don’t piss him off!”
From “City Slickers 2”.
6. From Coach Darrell Royal
A: …faster than small town gossip”.
B…”I had hoped God would be neutral”.
C ”You are “what-iffing”. Anybody can “what- if”.
7. Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. W.B Yeats.

8. Every harlot was a virgin once. W. Blake
9. Courage is fear, holding on a minute longer. G. Patton
10. Buy the ticket, take the ride. Hunter Thompson
11. Don’t go around thinking the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. M. Twain
12. If today was a fish, I’d throw it back in.
13. Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother’s side. Stanley Ralph Ross.
14. It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life. Irish Proverb.
15. Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life a champion. Muhammad Ali
16. Expect problems and eat them for breakfast.
7. He that hath no children brings them up well.
18. A good scare is better than good advice.
19. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
20. For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. Johnny Carson
21. Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie” until you can find a rock. Will Rogers. •22. One Father is worth more than a hundred schoolmasters. George Herbert
23. Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. Plato
24.”…he that is without sin…Pick some up”. Barry Saunders
25. “I graduated with a 4.0, but it was my blood alcohol level.” James Carville.
26. “I cussed him out in Spanish, and he threw me out in English”. Lou Pinella, on being
thrown out of a game by umpire Armando Rodriguez.
27. “I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. Steven Pearl.
28. “All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.” Gordie Howe
29. “Thank you from the heart of my bottom”. Nick Faldo.
30. “I’ve been around since “Preparation A”. Jack McKeon
31. “Think you are a leader? Turn around and look back: if no one is following, you are just taking a walk.”
32. “It’s hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long”. Vince Gill in drag (You Tube)
33. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West
34. I’ve been in more laps than a napkin. Mae West
35. I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. Richard Diran •

COMEDIC HISTORY

COMEDIC HISTORY