Margaret has three brothers. The twins, Bob and Ray (Really!) are one year older. The oldest boy, Jim, is one year older than the twins. Margaret thinks she can do anything they can. She passed the twins in the 11th grade. Father Jim, told him after that, they need not pack their lunch pails for school any- more. He’d put them in the Navy (permissible by Canadian law). They both were “lifers.”
Jim was another “Jeremiah Johnson.” He was an excellent hockey player. He let out for the Yukon on a dare from his sister, Francis. He’s still there.
Jim taught school. Math. He was also asked to help with the “special” kids. One night I got Margaret to tell about one of Jim’s teaching adventures.
We were at a Japanese restaurant. Three Elon couples. We knew Kyle and Linda Wills well, not so baseball Coach Mike Kennedy’s wife Liz.
Margaret had a couple of drinks.
“Tell Kennedy Jimmy’s story, Marg.”
Jimmy took a wheelchair bound student who could barely speak to the bath-
room stall. He lifted him up and put him on the commode. Then politely stood outside the closed door. Immediately Jim heard a moan. Not unusual from a stall. Then a louder one. Then louder. Jim felt obliged to open the door.
Is something wrong?” he asked the youngster who had a pained look.
Margaret has three brothers. The twins, Bob and Ray (Really!) are one year older. The oldest boy, Jim, is one year older than the twins. Margaret thinks she can do anything they can. She passed the twins in the 11th grade. Father Jim, told him after that, they need not pack their lunch pails for school any- more. He’d put them in the Navy (permissible by Canadian law). They both were “lifers.”
Margaret mimicked the boy’s response: “I’m sitting on my dick.”
I knew what was coming. I wanted to watch Kennedy laugh. And he did, hardly able to control himself at this statement coming out of Margaret. The next comment was far more damaging, however. It came from wife, Liz, who quizzically told her husband “ Mike you can’t do that!” The laughing stopped and Coach Kennedy said “shut the hell up, Liz!”

One field trip included a trip to Bowman Grey Medical Center in Winston- Salem. They were going to see a cadaver!
As the host, an older man, was fishing though the formaldehyde, Margaret asked, “What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen in this job?” Remember, Margaret’s Canadian Catholic. The old man looked at the fifteen and sixteen year old girls and concluded: “Lady, you probably don’t want me to tell that now.”
“Ah, c’mon, these girls are old enough. Plus they’re gonna be nurses.”
“Okay.”
“We had a man in here and upon close examination discovered he had a tattoo
on his penis. When we unraveled it, it said, ‘Love lifted me.’”
Margaret told me this story, funny as is, but she hadn’t heard the Baptist
hymn. I broke into “I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore, sinking very deep within, sinking to rise, no more. But the Master of the Sea, heard my despairing cry, from the waters, lifted me, now safe am I.” Refrain: “Love lifted me, Love lifted me, when nothing else could help, Love lifted me.”

Welcome to Southern Alamance.
Later Margaret helped raise money for tennis courts at Southern. A girl’s team was ready for its first match. The coach was sick. Margaret subbed as coach.
Southern Alamance vs Williams High School or the “preppy school.” Williams was decked out in matching uniforms, blouses and tennis skirts. Southern girls wore in cut off jeans and tee shirts.
The match was on. After thirty minutes Margaret got her first inquiry from a Southern girl. As she walked to the fence, she wondered what this girl wanted. A strategy question? Would Margaret know what to say?
The girl inquired, “Mrs. Parham, where’s she hiding them balls?”
The next year Southern had their own red and white tennis uniforms, complete with “secret pockets.”

Alamance Country Club had a new resident and she was angry. Outside her home on the golf course, the men could be seen taking a leak. Repeatedly. Repeatedly she called to complain.
Dr. Frank Spaeth, an eye doctor, was on the club’s board. Frank played little golf but he is a diabolical creature to begin with. Looks like Woody Allen.
After the third time complaint, Frank activated his walking bag, dust and all.
He located next to the complainer’s window. Right where she could see. He whipped out a 14-inch dildo, simulating a three-minute relief. Where upon he shook it violently, then walked over and banged it several times in a pine tree. No more complaints.
There are all kinds of ways to solve problems. I heard they almost kicked Frank out.

Rick Jones was coaching baseball at Elon when colleges upped their standards for admissions and eligibility. Jones called a high school coach from Durham, NC and inquired about a talented pitching recruit. Coach Jones held his breath: “Coach, did he make the 2.0 GPA required?”
“Naw”, said the secondary school coach, he made a 1.2.”
Disappointed, Jones concluded, “Well, Coach, I’m sorry. He can’t get in Elon with a 1.2.”
The response; “That’s all right Coach Jones, he’s going to Duke anyway?” Incredulously Jones questioned, “That boy got in Duke University?”
“Naw, man, Duke Power!” (Durham is the home of Duke Power Electric
Company)

We arrived at Prince Edward Island at dark, and it was our first real attempt at camping and “tenting”.
“All tent” Parham couldn’t figure Rand’s tent out, particularly in the twilight.
Finally Tee, at age 11, figured it out only to be told we’d erected it in the middle of the access road. Oops! We moved over near a group of French Canadian campers, settling in for the night.
Americans know little about Canada (“I don’t even know what street Canada’s on” – Al Capone). Most think it’s Eskimos, polar bears, and moose and Mounties and that they all speak French.
Margaret was bluffing when she pretended to understand our early morning visitor. We’d just fired up the “Coleman cooker” and were starting to assemble breakfast foods. Margaret whispered, “Someone stole his cooler, and I think he wants milk.” As she opened the cooler and offered the contents, he simply took the whole cooler and it’s innards.
Margaret, being Margaret, didn’t have the heart to chase him. We cut off the Coleman stove, and drank our coffee as the four of us headed to the Charlottesville, P.E.I. McDonalds.
So much for our maiden camping voyage.

Dr. White was a champion of the “total athletic program.” My first year he asked me if I thought we ought to add women’s soccer. “Tomorrow” was my answer.
I’ll never forget those early women’s soccer teams, remarkably successful, kick- ing though what was always a rain drenched play off win. My favorite was Katie McGrath, who also played basketball and volleyball.
I taught Katie and got to know her. She returned from the holidays one Christmas telling me her father had bought a motel.
“So your family is going into the motel business,” I commented.
Katie, one of their thirteen children, said “Oh, no sir, Coach. Dad bought it for us. I’m in #9.”

SPEAKING AT AWARDS BANQUETS (#14)

1. While this is a special time for you, your time is limited.

2. Rehearse your speech and try to finish  under your allotted time.   Brevity is the soul of wit.

3.  Respect your audience.

4.  If you speak for too long, you infringe upon the other speaker’s time, and create the potential for audience discomfort.

5.  Many speakers “get in and can’t get out” — it’s okay to just stop telling a story and move on.   Practice it.

6.  Some speakers are surprised by their emotions.    Talking about parents, family, team mates, coaches and schools can trigger deep and powerful and surprising emotions.

7.  The monitor runs the show.   It’s essential that the moderator make the ground rules for speakers clear in the rehearsal.   If you should exceed your time limit, the monitor  GET DOWN COACH will rise.   This is the signal to wrap it up quickly.

NOT YET, NORMA ROSE

Our friend, Norma Rose White , is a retired high school teacher. Finding it painful to report negative grades for her students, yet required period comments, Mrs. White chose “not yet” as a grade for “those others”. Our family found this evaluation a reasonable response for many a category, and we often responded, “not yet, Norma Rose!” when expectations weren’t quite met.