Quotes, Comments, Observations
W.C Fields, an avowed atheist, was asked why, on his deathbed, he was reading the Bible. “I’m looking for loopholes.”
“The size of your funeral is often dictated by the weather.” “He’s a lost ball in high weeds.”
To Satchel Page: “Why do you call it your ‘B’ ball?” Satchel: “Because it always be where I want it to be.”
“It’s better to have love and lust, then to let your apparatus rust.” Kurl Vonnegut E.L. Doctorow called it “…hierarchal warrior nonsense” in The March.
“Looked like a goat rodeo.”
Husband: “Would you have believed, in your wildest dreams, we’d be here?” Wife: “You weren’t in my wildest dreams.”
Advice from the track coach: “Stay left and get back as quick as you can.” “The key to being a good rain dancer is timing.” Willie Nelson
”Once the shit is out of the bull….” Willie again.
“Noah built the ark before the flood.” Spy Games, Robert Redford. Inquisitive child: “ Was Jesus Jewish?”
Baptist teacher: “Only on his mother’s side.”
“If I don’t see you in the future, I’ll see you in the pasture.” T. Bone Burnett
A fan shot a soccer referee twice, once for each goal.
“I don’t have a drinking problem. I prefer to call it a drinking opportunity.” Ed Perkins
“The higher up the ladder you climb, the brighter your ass shines.”
“When the Dead Sea was just sick.”
“Since Christ was a corporal.” Richard Russo
“The wind is blowing but the trees ain’t moving.”
Coach Billy Tubb’s wife: “You love basketball more than me.” Billy: “I love you more than track!”
A trainer, on his girls team’s physical condition: “We’ve got tons of girls, just not many of them.
“Genital Equity will never work.” Tony Tilley
“Life’s a shit sandwich, and you have to take a bite everyday.” Unnamed coaching friend
A magazine article in Sports Illustrated, “’Big Daddy’ Libscomb said he’d screwed so many hotel maids, he had an erection every time he heard a vacuum cleaner.”
“If we hadn’t had four players they’d have thought we were the ‘Three Stooges’.”
Bipli: “Ball in pocket, lost interest.” Fido: “Frig it, drive on.”
Loft: “Lack of friggin’ talent.”
Dave Feherty, coming in late from golf: “Is my dinner still warm?” Wife: “Should be, it’s in the dog.”
Some “Hall of Fame” Moments:
One of our neighborhood children, Grant Miles, was left as he ran to get on the bus. It was his first day of school. Grant cut across the woods and “mooned” the bus as it rode by. He reported to the principal’s office before he went to school.
One of Margaret’s sister’s kids, Ben Osier, told the nun barking at school bus mates to “fuck off Old Lady.” The buzz oddly quiet just as Ben spoke.
A young man in my home town asked an older man about a problem. “My girl’s pregnant and I don’t have any insurance.”
Tell me the details the old man suggested.
Young man: “Well it happened two months ago in the back seat of my car.” Old man: “You got car insurance?”
Young man: “Well, yes.”
Old man: “Hell, you’re covered.”
True story. The young man took his hospital delivery bills to his car insurance
office. Both the old man and the Agency secretary are still laughing.
One of my players had an expensive pet cockatoo. It got loose. The bird catcher caught and delivered a cockatoo to the player’s home. $200.00 bill.
The player came home and reported it was the wrong bird.
The second time they got the right bird. $200.00 more.
While the family celebrated in the living room, a niece of age six asked to hold
the precious bird.
The child lost concentration and the bird got away. Straight up into the ceiling
fan, where a blade broke the bird’s neck. Pet cemetery?
George Bancroft attempted 192 hours at Atlantic Christian College, a record by far (124 hours are required for graduation). George began a painting business while still a student. About to complete the first coat of paint on his first job, George was approached by a man who’d come home from work. The man asked “What are you doing painting my house?” Double-check those addresses, Picasso.
One AC student opened his apartment door and found everything gone including his newly wed wife.
The girl in the next apartment volunteered, “She’s gone.” “Did you talk to her?” the groom asked.
“What did she say?”
“Well, she asked me, ‘How many times have you been to bed with my hus- band?’ I said just once, and she packed up.”
At age 66:
“..it is not he or she, or them or it that you belong to It’s all right, Ma (Bob Dylan)
I’ve likened life to a chocolate milk shake. We all wind up sucking on the straw at the end. Here are a few suggestions before it gets too late.
1. I “coached” all students to: Advance your family one-generation. You can’t buy your way out of bad kids. No matter how much money you have or make, sorry kids can dissipate it all.
2. Do good deeds with out anyone knowing.
Most women are inherently better than most men. Learn the names of important people’s spouses, particularly wives.
Dr. Leroy Walker spoke at Elon. Two pieces of his advice:
“God gave you two ends. Whether you are to be successful or not depends on which one you use.”
Live everyday like it is your last. One day you’ll be right.
When Dan (my son) and I began to disagree during tennis discus- sions, I stopped bringing up the topic. I wrote letters of advice, telling him he could take it or leave it. He read the letters. Once I realized this worked, I wrote on other subjects.See Parham Letter page 120) Recently I wrote my memories of them. I enjoyed writing those.
Two things I feel good about as a parent:
a. I read to them a lot. And they love to read.
b. I tossed them a thousand balls. Start with balloons. Then a little
more active ball. On and on. Some experts say real young kids can’t “track the ball” but they’re wrong. They can track a balloon early.
pick them up. Tee always helped.
7. Join a library. Check out a lot of books. Have them around the house.
8. Once a month our family rotated one seat from their traditional din- ning room seat. During that meal you assumed the persona of the normal occupant. Lots of revealing moments.
9. If I have a grandchild who is gay, wouldn’t I want that child to have equal rights? Sure. Any other position is indefensible. Why are we arguing about this in these troubled times?
10. Keep a “book list” of what you’ve read. Ask others who read, “What’s good?”
pick up the balls. You’ll know when its time to require them to help you