THE FUNNY PAPER ( )

Unrelated favorites:
• Women and cats will do as they wish. Men and dogs should get used to this fact.
•2. The game film looks suspiciously like the game. Coach Bum Phillips
•3. On Coach Landry of the Dallas Cowboys: “Does the coach ever smile? Player (Walt
Garrison) “I don’t know, I’ve only been here three years”.
•4. “…if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?”
Response: “Living—-you think I am stupid?” From Jim Hightower.
•5. Eulogy at “Curly’s funeral. “God, we give you Curly. Don’t piss him off!”
From “City Slickers 2”.
•6. From Coach Darrell Royal
A: …faster than small town gossip”.
B…”I had hoped God would be neutral”.
C ”You are “what-iffing”. Anybody can “what- if”.
•7.Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. W.B Yeats. •8. Every harlot was a virgin once. W. Blake
•9. Courage is fear, holding on a minute longer. G. Patton
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•10. Buy the ticket, take the ride. Hunter Thompson
•11. Don’t go around thinking the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. M. Twain
•12. If today was a fish, I’d throw it back in.
•13. Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother’s side. Stanley Ralph Ross.
•14. It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life. Irish Proverb.
•15. Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life a champion. Muhammad Ali
•16. Expect problems and eat them for breakfast.
•17. He that hath no children brings them up well.
•18. A good scare is better than good advice.
•19. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
•20. For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. Johnny Carson
•21. Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie” until you can find a rock. Will Rogers. •22. One Father is worth more than a hundred schoolmasters. George Herbert
•23. Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. Plato
•24.”…he that is without sin…Pick some up”. Barry Saunders
•25. “I graduated with a 4.0, but it was my blood alcohol level.” James Carville.
•26. “I cussed him out in Spanish, and he threw me out in English”. Lou Pinella, on being
thrown out of a game by umpire Armando Rodriguez.
•27. “I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. Steven Pearl.
•28. “All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.” Gordie Howe
•29. “Thank you from the heart of my bottom”. Nick Faldo.
•30. “I’ve been around since “Preparation A”. Jack McKeon
•31. “Think you are a leader? Turn around and look back: if no one is following, you are just taking a walk.”
•32. “It’s hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long”. Vince Gill in drag (You Tube)
•33. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West
•34. I’ve been in more laps than a napkin. Mae West
•35. I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. Richard Diran •36. Schizophrenia beats dining alone.
•38. “I’ve worked 3 weeks on this “impromptu” speech. Mark Twain.
•39. The mystery masked man, he was smart,
He found himself a Tonto,
Cause Tonto did his dirty work for free.
But Tonto, he was smarter, and one day said, Kemo Sabe, kiss my ass.
I’ve bought a boat, and now I’m out to sea. Lyle Lovett Bob Dylan Quotes:
•On the “Ball Park Tour” with Willie Nelson. “We intend to touch all the bases, and get home safely”.
•There are no ex wives. Only additional wives. Willie Nelson
•Kick your shoes off, do not fear, and bring that bottle over here. I’ll
be your baby tonight.
•Ah, but I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.
•Bob Dylan introduces a backup band as…”my wife, my ex wife, my next wife, and my girlfriend”
•High Water Every Where: Got a crazy love for blinding speed, Got a hopped-up mustang Ford. Jump into the wagon, Love, Throw your
panties overboard.
•I ain’t lookin’ to block you up. Shock or knock or lock you up, analyze you, categorize you. All I really want to do is baby, be friends with you.
•Living in the land of Nod, Trusting their fate to the hands of God. They pass by so silently, Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee.
•In the dime store and bus stations, people talk of situations, read books, repeat quotations, draw conclusions on the wall. Some speak of the future, my love she speaks softly, she knows there’s no success like failure and that failure’s no success at all.
•I was raised in the country. I been working in the town. I been in trouble ever since I put my suitcase down.
94
•Lots of water under the bridge, Lots of other stuff, too. Don’t get up gentlemen, I’m only passing through.
•People are crazy and times are strange. I’m locked in tight, I’m outta range. I used to care, but, things have changed.
•Well, the Book of Leviticus and Deuteronomy,
The law of the jungle and the sea are your only teachers.
•You’ve gone to the finest school all right, Miss Lonely But you know you only used to get juiced in it.
And nobody has ever taught you how to live on the street And now you find out you’re gonna have to get used it.
•I got sidetracked in El Paso, stopped to get myself a map,
Went the wrong way into Juarez with Juanita on my lap.
Then I went to sleep in Shreveport, woke up in Abilene
Wonderin’ why the hell I’m wanted at some town halfway between.
•To make you Feel My Love
Storms are howling on a raging sea,
And on the highways of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free, You ain’t seen nothing like me yet.
•If your memory serves you well, You’ll remember you’re the one That called on me to call on them To get you your favors done.
Duck Dynasty:
•“My guess is she’ll do most of the talking” … Phil Robertson (on a conference with his Wife). •“The top ten times I’ve been in trouble always included Si”. Phil on brother Si
•“Healthy Friction” provides a family balance.
Justified:
•“That is the purpose of “organized crime.” It’s supposed to be organized.”
•“We don’t sell donuts, so why don’t you get your fat ass outta here.” (From roadhouse bartender)

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