What the Hell? (223)

BIG WEEK AT EMERALD ISLE.  WON $27 AT THE VFW POKER GAME,  GRANDSON TOOK FIRST POOP IN POT, POPE DECLARES THERE IS NO HELL.  POKER, POOP, POPE.

WHOA!  RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN.  NO HELL?  AND NOBODY CELEBRATING BUT ME?

BEING A PREACHER’S KID I SPENT A LOT OF PEW TIME.

THERE ARE DEGREES AND VARIETIES OF ALL RELIGIONS APPARENTLY.  BAPTISTS MORESO THAN OTHERS (SOUTHERN, FREE WILL, MODERATE, EVANGELICAL, ETC.)

MY  “PRIMITIVE BAPTIST” GRANDMOTHER’S ANNUAL TWO STAY WEEK CLARIFIED THAT.  AND WHILE MY DAD WAS A WAKE FOREST GRADUATED “MODERATE”,  NONE OF THE BRANCHES WERE UNAWARE OF “…HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE!”  LATER I BEGAN TO SUSPECT IT WAS SOME KIND OF TRUMP CARD TO REIGN IN MY LITTLE ASS, BUT AT FIVE AND SIX YEARS OLD MY EARS PERKED UP WHEN THE TERM SENT MY IMAGINATION  INTO THE TERROR  ZONE OF “…BURNING IN HELL FOR ETERNITY!”

I HAD ALREADY BEEN IDENTIFIED AS A THEIF, A LIAR, AND STUPID,  HAVING NIPPED MY 50 CENT COLLECTION ENVELOPE WITHOUT REALIZING MY DAD COUNTED THE MONEY.  THEN SWORE THAT CHOIR MEMBER BROWNIE SWANN GAVE IT TO ME.  I  SPENT A LOT OF TIME LOOKING AT BROWNIE.

NEEDLESS TO SAY IMAGES OF HELL WERE “SEARED” IN MY THINKING (PUN INTENDED).  I MEAN SEARED!

THAT IMAGINATION, NOW NEARING 78 YEARS OLD HAS NEW LIFE.  AND, WHILE I HAVE CALLED SEVERAL FRIENDS I KNOW WHO SHOULD BE HAPPY,  NO ONE SEEMS TO APPRECIATE WHAT THE POPE HAS UNLEASHED.    SOME ARE EVEN UNHAPPY.   AS A YOUNGSTER I THOUGHT A CHURCH MEMBER WAS SAYING “BIEBASEZ” INSTEAD OF BIBLE SAYS.   JARED DIAMOND CITES “REASONS FOR RELIGION”, SUCH AS EXPLANATION, COMFORT, ANXIETY, ETC.  ONE IS REVENGE!  THIS MAY BE A GAME CHANGER:  “NO HELL?  GUESS I’LL HAVE TO TAKE THAT SUCKER OUT MYSELF!”

ONE REASON FOR RELIGION DIAMOND CITES IS ” JUSTIFICATION FOR WARS”.

FRIEDRICH NIETZCHE :  IF THERE WAS NO GOD MANKIND WOULD HAVE INVENTED HIM.

MY SISTER-IN-LAW SAYS THE POPE HAS FREED UP A  LOT OF PARENTAL NAMING POSSIBILITIES–I.E. ADOLF, OSAMA, CAPONE,  DILLINGER,  BLUE DUCK, CURLY, ETC.

MARIE IS A LITTLE CAUSTIC.

COACH MORNINGSTAR SAYS “SEX” IS UNDEFEATED.  AND NOW THAT DAMNATION FOR THOUGHTS  (THINK JIMMY CARTER) ISN’T A FRIGHT,  I DON’T THINK THOSE GUYS SHOULD BE FOUND DAMNABLE FOR SEXUAL DALLIANCES  (CLINTON, EDWARDS, TRUMP, GARY HART, TIGER,  ETC.)   MAYBE  WHOEVER “MADE SEX” MADE IT TOO POWERFUL FOR US HUMANS.   SWAGGART AND JIM BAKER SHOULD STILL SWING.

WHAT DO WE DO WITH “WHAT THE HELL”, “LET’S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE”, “YOU WILL ROT IN HELL”, ETC?  HELL IF I KNOW.

AT LEAST I WON’T GO TO HELL FOR USING ALL CAPS.

WHATEVER A  PLETHORA IS, THERE’S ONE FOR FRESH THOUGHT.   “…I’M LOSING WEIGHT AND TURNING KINDA PALE.  LOOKS LIKE I’VE GOT A TIGER BY THE TAIL”

MY GRANDSON WAS ASKED HOW A POOP “HAPPENS”?  WITH A LOOK OF —HOW COULD YOU ASK?  HE SAID, ” … IT JUST SLIDES OUT.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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